The Birthday That Almost Didn’t Happen

Today is my Birthday. I know my Mother would not mind me writing this. If she were still alive, I know she would have encouraged it.
Many years ago when birth control was even more unreliable than today…Some women who wanted to limit the size of their families used occasional abortion as a means to that end…Those who could afford to were able to obtain a relatively safe termination to their pregnancies…Some less costly ones were not so safe and downright dangerous.
When I was a nineteen year old widowed mother of a small baby, I thought I had become pregnant again…I was really not in a position to have another child…
I wasn’t much of a deep thinker in those days and really hadn’t given much thought to life in general or questioned why we are here or anything else philosophical…My life had pretty much been a series of struggles and trying to have some fun in between them.
When I was in the panic mode of thinking I was pregnant, I momentarily considered an abortion. I mentioned it to my mother, who confided to me that she had had a couple of abortions before I was born and that if she could have afforded it, I would have not been born either…I had always wondered why my sister and brother were many years older than I am. It turns out that there were a couple of other brothers and or sisters of mine who never made it here because they were aborted.
Mom cried and begged me to forgive her and said she had always regretted her actions and they had caused a black cloud of depression over her ever since…She said she didn’t know what she would do without me and she was so sorry she had done what she did… The abortions were supposed to make her life easier but they made it much worse for the guilt that she lived with on a daily basis.
I was angry with her at first for killing my unborn siblings… I missed having them in my life even though I never knew them…I was even angrier at her for considering killing me and then telling me about it…
After a while of thinking it all over and letting it process through my brain and heart, I forgave her. I realized that at the time,she thought was doing the right thing for herself and her family…I also forgave her for telling me about it, as I realized she was trying to stop me from making the same mistake that she made, a mistake that might possibly haunt me for a lifetime.
As it turned out, it was a false alarm for me, I wasn’t really pregnant after all, but I had learned an entirely knew way of looking at life from the experience.
Every birthday, when my mother was alive, she would wish me a happy birthday on March 16th, and I would respond with a happy birthday to her too even though it wasn't her real birthday, she was the one who did all the work when I was born.
My mom has been gone many years,now, but I still keep her picture in my bedroom. When I awoke this morning, the first thing I did was to look at her picture and say “Happy, Birthday, Mom”. Then I got a flash of thought…What if I had been one of the kids my mother could have afforded to abort?
I wouldn’t have gotten to wake up to the sunlight streaming into my lovely room or smell the blossoms blooming outside my bedroom window…or been able to pet the cat and dog sleeping at the foot of my bed…I would have missed out on all the wonderful memories I am so thankful for having lived with my children and grand children, who wouldn’t be here either. The guy whose life I saved with the Heimlich maneuver, at my ex husband’s company bar-b-que , also would no longer be here and his kids would be without a dad. I started thinking about the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” and felt very much like the main character…I might not have done as many dramatic things as in the movie, but I know my life has touched many others and I would like to think that my being here has been a good thing for those whose lives have touched mine.
To think I almost missed out on birthday cake and ice cream and kite flying and the beach and the laughter of babies and the blue sky with puffy white clouds and Christmas and chocolate and a warm fire and books and music and flowers and giraffes and feeling my breath entering my body and stretching and dancing and my art work and my friends and my cozy home. The feelings of elation and sorrow of loving someone and losing that love…all these things that are part of who I am…
I am so grateful mom and dad were broke when she found out I was on the way and I was able to experience life…
I still think about my lost siblings who weren't so fortunate and hope that someday, somewhere, we will meet… That’s my birthday wish.

Walt: a Eulogy

Walt was the kind of guy everyone needs in their life..He was a great son, a great brother a great friend and a great husband.
He was honest, caring, conscientious and loving. When you looked up the word integrity in the dictionary there would be Walt's picture. He was the most unassuming and trusting person ever . He didn't put on airs or go out of his way to impress anyone...He was just himself and people were drawn to him. He accepted people at face value. He believed what people told him because he himself was so honest he never expected anything but honesty in return ..With Walt there were no hidden agendas,what you saw was what you got.
Rain or shine, whether he felt well or not he would get up before the crack of dawn every day and drive 50 miles to work so as not to" let the guys down".He would come home tired, sore and exhausted but he never complained. He was always ready to help out if any one needed a hand.
His pleasures were simple..a cozy home , watching tv, ( he was captain of the remote control) a little drink or smoke once in a while. He liked to go on gambling trips from time to time and play scratch offs and football pool but it was purely for enjoyment. He knew his limit. He loved listening to music..classic rock being his favorite.. He could play a really mean "air guitar". His possessions were meager and few..a shadow box from the Philippines with his name on it which housed a few unusual sea shells and other little items he had picked up through the years. A framed picture of an orange rocket against a blue sky taking off into space that had been given to him as a child..some photographs of his close friends and family, a bowling trophy, a large ceramic raccoon that I gave him when we first met that he carried around in his van for years... He saved every greeting card he ever received from family and friends and the ones he sent to others were carefully picked out to say just the right words for the occasion…. He was so sentimental..his things had had no monetary value but to him they were treasures. He had a closet full of his dads old clothes that he couldn't wear himself but kept them because he could not bear to part with them.
He was so strong he sometimes didn't recognize his own strength.He could carry heavy things that most people couldn't budge, without even exerting himself. Once, when he took a treadmill test for a physical exam, the doctor had to have him stop as he was wearing out the machine. He loved his family so much..He was always calling his Mom and sisters on the phone and he never failed to say "I Love you" to them at the end of every conversation.
When Walter and I met we immediately bonded. We were soulmates. I was afraid I was a little too old for him as there were a few years difference in our ages…To make me feel better , he went out and rented the movie "Harold and Maud" which is about an 79 year old woman and a teenage boy falling in love…I told him "Hey, I am not that much older than you." We had a good laugh over that one.
Walt with his big muscular build and long shaggy sun streaked hair, dressed in his dirty work clothes was quite a neighborhood sight each afternoon walking our snooty little poodle Zora on her rhinestone leash. They were quite a pair. He loved her and she loved him. He was her Daddy. She and I would both listen eagerly for the sound of Walt's truck pulling in the driveway every evening..it was the highpoint of the day for both of us when his smiling face came through that door.
Walt came from a large family and would often tell me stories about his life growing up. He told me how much he loved and admired his dad and how much he missed him. He told me about his grandmother who fixed Polish cabbage rolls and pierogies for him. He cared deeply for all his cousins and for all his friends both old and new. He loved his co worker Brian like a brother. He was so honored to be Godfather to Brian's daughter Cathy. He carried her picture proudly on his key chain. He loved his niece, Julie and spoke highly of her accomplishments. My 12 years with Walt were some of the best years of my life. We made a great team. We never went to bed mad ..that's not to say we didn't have our little squabbles..but we always made up quickly and were laughing again within a few minutes. Every morning before he left for work he would kiss me goodbye and tell me he loved me..I told him I loved him too. I would tell him what a lucky girl I was to have him and he would reply "no, I am the lucky one."
He told me when we first met, when I asked him what he was looking for in a relationship, that he wanted someone to grow old with..Our plan was for that to happen for us, but unfortunately it didn't work out that way…I will keep him in my heart always and hope that he is waiting for me when my times comes to cross over.
Walt never knew a stranger…He was a friend to all with whom he came in contact…He was fun loving, handsome, cute, likable.. he had a wonderful sense of humor, great common sense, was intelligent and fair, not to mention that adorable impish grin of his. He did have a little stubborn streak which only added to his charm.
Walt would not want us to be sitting around crying..He would want us to celebrate his life and enjoy the time we have left on Earth. He loved life and lived his to the fullest. Most likely, not a day will go by that we will not think of Walt..But he would want those thoughts to be happy ones about the good times that were had together.
Walter was one of a kind. A really cool guy...There will never be another Walt.
All who knew him should consider themselves blessed for having known him. He has enriched all of our lives.
On Walt's Myspace page he has as his theme song "Simple Man" by Lynard Skynard..He told me he chose that song because it reminded him of himself. He considered himself just an "average Joe"…a simple man.. That's how he saw himself and he was content with that image…However, to me and to all those who knew and loved him, he was so much more. He was an unsung hero, a wonderful shining star of a person….to be looked up to and admired. He was a perfect example of one of God's finest creations. Our darling Walter, we miss you terribly but we must take comfort in believing that we will all be together again someday .
We love you Walt……God Bless you……………And as Walt would say , "Right on!"©