Last night my wise sage of a son said something to me that changed my whole way of thinking about my husband’s recent death. It was something I had never thought of and something I had not heard from anyone else in the nearly two years since the tragic accident occurred. Despite my haunting of grief forums online and reading everything inspirational I have been able to get my hands on in these past months of torment, nothing has touched me the way my son’s words have.
For some reason we were just sitting in my living room casually discussing someone we know who has a very difficult situation they are dealing with, both healthwise and in their lives in general. This particular fellow in question has a serious illness, is nearly blind, is broke, his electricity was shut off, his live in girlfriend passed away leaving him helplessly alone to sit in the cold dark roach infested place he calls home. His parents are both dead, his one brother died about a year ago and his other brother lives on the other side of the country. His only escape from his bleak reality is in alcohol which he has run out of and does not have the money to purchase more. We wished there were something we could do for him besides pray. We have tried to help this young man previously but despite whatever we do he winds up back in the same situation every time. He is very intelligent and was raised well by his parents and at one time had a good job and a decent life, but along the way things just got worse and worse for him until he eventually wound up like he is today.
My son said, “I’d hate to go out like that”. I said, “What do you mean?” He said, “I’d hate to die all alone and penniless from a lingering, illness in that kind of situation”
I said, “Oh, would you like to just fall off a roof and be killed like Walter (my husband)?”
He replied, “Well, yes I would”. He went on to say, “Walter was on top of the world when he went out. He had a nice home, people who loved him, a good woman who had dinner on the table waiting for him every night when he came in from work, a nice big screen TV to watch.” He continued, “Yeah, that’s how I’d much rather leave the world, quickly, when everything’s going great, not knowing what hit me, than slowly suffering,alone and miserable.
I was quite stunned to hear those words coming from my son. I always worried that I hadn’t done enough for my husband and wished I’d done more to make his life even better, but from my son’s vantage point, my husband had it all.
I guess I’ve been too hard on myself as bereaved widows often are. We second guess ourselves at every turn and find ways to blame ourselves, even though there is no guilt to be had. We create it for ourselves out of grief. We plague ourselves with the “If onlies”.
My son is right, my husband did have everything he wanted when he left this earthly sojourne. Even though his life was cut short, it was a good life.
© VXA 2010
