The Birthday That Almost Didn’t Happen

Today is my Birthday. I know my Mother would not mind me writing this. If she were still alive, I know she would have encouraged it.
Many years ago when birth control was even more unreliable than today…Some women who wanted to limit the size of their families used occasional abortion as a means to that end…Those who could afford to were able to obtain a relatively safe termination to their pregnancies…Some less costly ones were not so safe and downright dangerous.
When I was a nineteen year old widowed mother of a small baby, I thought I had become pregnant again…I was really not in a position to have another child…
I wasn’t much of a deep thinker in those days and really hadn’t given much thought to life in general or questioned why we are here or anything else philosophical…My life had pretty much been a series of struggles and trying to have some fun in between them.
When I was in the panic mode of thinking I was pregnant, I momentarily considered an abortion. I mentioned it to my mother, who confided to me that she had had a couple of abortions before I was born and that if she could have afforded it, I would have not been born either…I had always wondered why my sister and brother were many years older than I am. It turns out that there were a couple of other brothers and or sisters of mine who never made it here because they were aborted.
Mom cried and begged me to forgive her and said she had always regretted her actions and they had caused a black cloud of depression over her ever since…She said she didn’t know what she would do without me and she was so sorry she had done what she did… The abortions were supposed to make her life easier but they made it much worse for the guilt that she lived with on a daily basis.
I was angry with her at first for killing my unborn siblings… I missed having them in my life even though I never knew them…I was even angrier at her for considering killing me and then telling me about it…
After a while of thinking it all over and letting it process through my brain and heart, I forgave her. I realized that at the time,she thought was doing the right thing for herself and her family…I also forgave her for telling me about it, as I realized she was trying to stop me from making the same mistake that she made, a mistake that might possibly haunt me for a lifetime.
As it turned out, it was a false alarm for me, I wasn’t really pregnant after all, but I had learned an entirely knew way of looking at life from the experience.
Every birthday, when my mother was alive, she would wish me a happy birthday on March 16th, and I would respond with a happy birthday to her too even though it wasn't her real birthday, she was the one who did all the work when I was born.
My mom has been gone many years,now, but I still keep her picture in my bedroom. When I awoke this morning, the first thing I did was to look at her picture and say “Happy, Birthday, Mom”. Then I got a flash of thought…What if I had been one of the kids my mother could have afforded to abort?
I wouldn’t have gotten to wake up to the sunlight streaming into my lovely room or smell the blossoms blooming outside my bedroom window…or been able to pet the cat and dog sleeping at the foot of my bed…I would have missed out on all the wonderful memories I am so thankful for having lived with my children and grand children, who wouldn’t be here either. The guy whose life I saved with the Heimlich maneuver, at my ex husband’s company bar-b-que , also would no longer be here and his kids would be without a dad. I started thinking about the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” and felt very much like the main character…I might not have done as many dramatic things as in the movie, but I know my life has touched many others and I would like to think that my being here has been a good thing for those whose lives have touched mine.
To think I almost missed out on birthday cake and ice cream and kite flying and the beach and the laughter of babies and the blue sky with puffy white clouds and Christmas and chocolate and a warm fire and books and music and flowers and giraffes and feeling my breath entering my body and stretching and dancing and my art work and my friends and my cozy home. The feelings of elation and sorrow of loving someone and losing that love…all these things that are part of who I am…
I am so grateful mom and dad were broke when she found out I was on the way and I was able to experience life…
I still think about my lost siblings who weren't so fortunate and hope that someday, somewhere, we will meet… That’s my birthday wish.

Walt: a Eulogy

Walt was the kind of guy everyone needs in their life..He was a great son, a great brother a great friend and a great husband.
He was honest, caring, conscientious and loving. When you looked up the word integrity in the dictionary there would be Walt's picture. He was the most unassuming and trusting person ever . He didn't put on airs or go out of his way to impress anyone...He was just himself and people were drawn to him. He accepted people at face value. He believed what people told him because he himself was so honest he never expected anything but honesty in return ..With Walt there were no hidden agendas,what you saw was what you got.
Rain or shine, whether he felt well or not he would get up before the crack of dawn every day and drive 50 miles to work so as not to" let the guys down".He would come home tired, sore and exhausted but he never complained. He was always ready to help out if any one needed a hand.
His pleasures were simple..a cozy home , watching tv, ( he was captain of the remote control) a little drink or smoke once in a while. He liked to go on gambling trips from time to time and play scratch offs and football pool but it was purely for enjoyment. He knew his limit. He loved listening to music..classic rock being his favorite.. He could play a really mean "air guitar". His possessions were meager and few..a shadow box from the Philippines with his name on it which housed a few unusual sea shells and other little items he had picked up through the years. A framed picture of an orange rocket against a blue sky taking off into space that had been given to him as a child..some photographs of his close friends and family, a bowling trophy, a large ceramic raccoon that I gave him when we first met that he carried around in his van for years... He saved every greeting card he ever received from family and friends and the ones he sent to others were carefully picked out to say just the right words for the occasion…. He was so sentimental..his things had had no monetary value but to him they were treasures. He had a closet full of his dads old clothes that he couldn't wear himself but kept them because he could not bear to part with them.
He was so strong he sometimes didn't recognize his own strength.He could carry heavy things that most people couldn't budge, without even exerting himself. Once, when he took a treadmill test for a physical exam, the doctor had to have him stop as he was wearing out the machine. He loved his family so much..He was always calling his Mom and sisters on the phone and he never failed to say "I Love you" to them at the end of every conversation.
When Walter and I met we immediately bonded. We were soulmates. I was afraid I was a little too old for him as there were a few years difference in our ages…To make me feel better , he went out and rented the movie "Harold and Maud" which is about an 79 year old woman and a teenage boy falling in love…I told him "Hey, I am not that much older than you." We had a good laugh over that one.
Walt with his big muscular build and long shaggy sun streaked hair, dressed in his dirty work clothes was quite a neighborhood sight each afternoon walking our snooty little poodle Zora on her rhinestone leash. They were quite a pair. He loved her and she loved him. He was her Daddy. She and I would both listen eagerly for the sound of Walt's truck pulling in the driveway every evening..it was the highpoint of the day for both of us when his smiling face came through that door.
Walt came from a large family and would often tell me stories about his life growing up. He told me how much he loved and admired his dad and how much he missed him. He told me about his grandmother who fixed Polish cabbage rolls and pierogies for him. He cared deeply for all his cousins and for all his friends both old and new. He loved his co worker Brian like a brother. He was so honored to be Godfather to Brian's daughter Cathy. He carried her picture proudly on his key chain. He loved his niece, Julie and spoke highly of her accomplishments. My 12 years with Walt were some of the best years of my life. We made a great team. We never went to bed mad ..that's not to say we didn't have our little squabbles..but we always made up quickly and were laughing again within a few minutes. Every morning before he left for work he would kiss me goodbye and tell me he loved me..I told him I loved him too. I would tell him what a lucky girl I was to have him and he would reply "no, I am the lucky one."
He told me when we first met, when I asked him what he was looking for in a relationship, that he wanted someone to grow old with..Our plan was for that to happen for us, but unfortunately it didn't work out that way…I will keep him in my heart always and hope that he is waiting for me when my times comes to cross over.
Walt never knew a stranger…He was a friend to all with whom he came in contact…He was fun loving, handsome, cute, likable.. he had a wonderful sense of humor, great common sense, was intelligent and fair, not to mention that adorable impish grin of his. He did have a little stubborn streak which only added to his charm.
Walt would not want us to be sitting around crying..He would want us to celebrate his life and enjoy the time we have left on Earth. He loved life and lived his to the fullest. Most likely, not a day will go by that we will not think of Walt..But he would want those thoughts to be happy ones about the good times that were had together.
Walter was one of a kind. A really cool guy...There will never be another Walt.
All who knew him should consider themselves blessed for having known him. He has enriched all of our lives.
On Walt's Myspace page he has as his theme song "Simple Man" by Lynard Skynard..He told me he chose that song because it reminded him of himself. He considered himself just an "average Joe"…a simple man.. That's how he saw himself and he was content with that image…However, to me and to all those who knew and loved him, he was so much more. He was an unsung hero, a wonderful shining star of a person….to be looked up to and admired. He was a perfect example of one of God's finest creations. Our darling Walter, we miss you terribly but we must take comfort in believing that we will all be together again someday .
We love you Walt……God Bless you……………And as Walt would say , "Right on!"©

A Fish Tale or The One That Got Away

I own some rental property and one of my tenants moved out and left his huge Oscar Fish.I had no idea how to care for fish, but thanks to my local pet store and the internet, I soon learned.I was instructed to buy some "Feeder Fish" for the Oscar, which were adorable little Goldfish, to supplement his diet. I thought it was a barbaric idea but I did it anyway. There were several "feeders" in the little bucket I carried in from the pet store. My kids thought it was Chinese food from the looks of the container, but I told them it was Oscar's dinner not theirs.When I dumped the feeders into Oscar's tank there was a mad flurry of churning water as Oscar charged his victims. It was a disturbing sight to witness. In the aftermath of the mayhem the water sparkled brightly with what appeared to be gold glitter settling to the bottom very much like a snow globe after it has been shaken. It was the golden scales of the goldfish which were all that remained after Oscar's attack. Later that evening, my son called to me to come and look in Oscar's tank.One of the little feeder fish had escaped the massacre. He had hidden up under the filter where Oscar could not get to him. The little guy had used his brain and outsmarted the big guy in sort of a David and Goliath fashion. My son begged me to get the little fish out of Oscar's tank and set him up in his own fishbowl. I "fished" him out and we named him "Dave".Dave turned out to have a great personality. He was so entertaining and seemed to be genuinely glad to be alive. We never got any more feeder fish for Oscar. He had to get by with regular fish food. He didn't seem to mind and lived a long healthy life as did Dave. VXA©

A NEW PERSPECTIVE

Last night my wise sage of a son said something to me that changed my whole way of thinking about my husband’s recent death. It was something I had never thought of and something I had not heard from anyone else in the nearly two years since the tragic accident occurred. Despite my haunting of grief forums online and reading everything inspirational I have been able to get my hands on in these past months of torment, nothing has touched me the way my son’s words have.
For some reason we were just sitting in my living room casually discussing someone we know who has a very difficult situation they are dealing with, both healthwise and in their lives in general. This particular fellow in question has a serious illness, is nearly blind, is broke, his electricity was shut off, his live in girlfriend passed away leaving him helplessly alone to sit in the cold dark roach infested place he calls home. His parents are both dead, his one brother died about a year ago and his other brother lives on the other side of the country. His only escape from his bleak reality is in alcohol which he has run out of and does not have the money to purchase more. We wished there were something we could do for him besides pray. We have tried to help this young man previously but despite whatever we do he winds up back in the same situation every time. He is very intelligent and was raised well by his parents and at one time had a good job and a decent life, but along the way things just got worse and worse for him until he eventually wound up like he is today.
My son said, “I’d hate to go out like that”. I said, “What do you mean?” He said, “I’d hate to die all alone and penniless from a lingering, illness in that kind of situation”
I said, “Oh, would you like to just fall off a roof and be killed like Walter (my husband)?”
He replied, “Well, yes I would”. He went on to say, “Walter was on top of the world when he went out. He had a nice home, people who loved him, a good woman who had dinner on the table waiting for him every night when he came in from work, a nice big screen TV to watch.” He continued, “Yeah, that’s how I’d much rather leave the world, quickly, when everything’s going great, not knowing what hit me, than slowly suffering,alone and miserable.
I was quite stunned to hear those words coming from my son. I always worried that I hadn’t done enough for my husband and wished I’d done more to make his life even better, but from my son’s vantage point, my husband had it all.
I guess I’ve been too hard on myself as bereaved widows often are. We second guess ourselves at every turn and find ways to blame ourselves, even though there is no guilt to be had. We create it for ourselves out of grief. We plague ourselves with the “If onlies”.
My son is right, my husband did have everything he wanted when he left this earthly sojourne. Even though his life was cut short, it was a good life.
© VXA 2010

IT'S ALL LUCK

They say it is all luck or who you know that determines your success in life, but isn’t who you know also a matter of luck?
It is absolutely not true that if you work hard and are excellent at what you do that you will be a “success”(I will touch on the various meanings of success later) but for now I am using the fame and fortune version.
I have seen people get rich and famous without an ounce of talent. Why? Luck!
I have seen people who were super talented and at the top of their game, that had put in endless hours of practice and dedication, never get anywhere, despite their efforts.
Example, a very talented musician I know personally. He started playing guitar when he was a kid, it was (and is) his passion. He had a dream of becoming a “Rock Star.” He spent his entire youth working toward that goal. This guy is no slacker. People come to him for lessons, he plays in local bands and the audiences go wild, but despite all of that, his ship never came in.
He told me one day, recently, that he was glad he had other skills because he has come to realize that he is never going to be a rock star. It hit me like a ton of bricks because I am this fellow’s biggest fan. I tried to explain to him that he was a local rock star and he had many fans . He told me he knew all that but it wasn’t the same as being a real“ROCK STAR”!
I knew what he meant, but I continued to explain to him that he was successful in so many other ways, that he had his health and a loving family and many fans of his work. He said he was aware of all that but he had worked all his life to become a rock star and he wasn’t one and he felt he was too old for that to ever happen for him now. We both agreed that if anyone deserved to be one, it was he. He had the talent, looks, personality, desire, dedication, why then was he playing local watering holes when so many wankers were hitting the big time? Luck! That is it, pure and simple. It wasn’t in the stars for him to be a rock star in this lifetime despite his efforts.
They tell us when we are kids that we can be anything we want if we work hard and apply ourselves and want it badly enough. That is a crock! There are only so many slots for big time success and they are filled by the “lucky” ones and no matter what the rest of us do to attain one of those elusive slots we are just not going to get one.
They say we make our own luck. I think that is true up to a point, like not running out in traffic or jumping off a building, or robbing a bank. But I think the luck that determines success or failure is random or possibly doled out by whoever is the puppeteer in this earthly drama.
Positive thinking only keeps us happy while we are waiting for luck to decide our fate. We are not creators of our own destiny, but pawns subject to the whims of the powers that be.
It is always good to be prepared to open the door if opportunity knocks, so one should definitely keep their skills honed if they might just happen to be one of the lucky ones. Keeping your eye on the prize is great but there comes a time for most people when you realize the prize will never be yours no matter what.
That is when we need to try to come to terms with a whole new meaning of success in life. Success in helping others, being a good parent a good role model, a good provider, having the world be a better place because we were here
Most of us start out thinking we are special and destined for greatness. It is a bitter pill to swallow when reality sets in and it hits us that we have put in all that effort for nothing. What we wanted more than anything else in the world will never materialize.
We will never be the one in the spotlight with countless of millions of dollars and adoring fans.
There are many very talented famous people who have worked hard and earned the right to be in the limelight and luck smiled upon them, but there are also many, many no talent examples of glorified mediocrity receiving accolades for no other reason than they got lucky.©