A NEW PERSPECTIVE

Last night my wise sage of a son said something to me that changed my whole way of thinking about my husband’s recent death. It was something I had never thought of and something I had not heard from anyone else in the nearly two years since the tragic accident occurred. Despite my haunting of grief forums online and reading everything inspirational I have been able to get my hands on in these past months of torment, nothing has touched me the way my son’s words have.
For some reason we were just sitting in my living room casually discussing someone we know who has a very difficult situation they are dealing with, both healthwise and in their lives in general. This particular fellow in question has a serious illness, is nearly blind, is broke, his electricity was shut off, his live in girlfriend passed away leaving him helplessly alone to sit in the cold dark roach infested place he calls home. His parents are both dead, his one brother died about a year ago and his other brother lives on the other side of the country. His only escape from his bleak reality is in alcohol which he has run out of and does not have the money to purchase more. We wished there were something we could do for him besides pray. We have tried to help this young man previously but despite whatever we do he winds up back in the same situation every time. He is very intelligent and was raised well by his parents and at one time had a good job and a decent life, but along the way things just got worse and worse for him until he eventually wound up like he is today.
My son said, “I’d hate to go out like that”. I said, “What do you mean?” He said, “I’d hate to die all alone and penniless from a lingering, illness in that kind of situation”
I said, “Oh, would you like to just fall off a roof and be killed like Walter (my husband)?”
He replied, “Well, yes I would”. He went on to say, “Walter was on top of the world when he went out. He had a nice home, people who loved him, a good woman who had dinner on the table waiting for him every night when he came in from work, a nice big screen TV to watch.” He continued, “Yeah, that’s how I’d much rather leave the world, quickly, when everything’s going great, not knowing what hit me, than slowly suffering,alone and miserable.
I was quite stunned to hear those words coming from my son. I always worried that I hadn’t done enough for my husband and wished I’d done more to make his life even better, but from my son’s vantage point, my husband had it all.
I guess I’ve been too hard on myself as bereaved widows often are. We second guess ourselves at every turn and find ways to blame ourselves, even though there is no guilt to be had. We create it for ourselves out of grief. We plague ourselves with the “If onlies”.
My son is right, my husband did have everything he wanted when he left this earthly sojourne. Even though his life was cut short, it was a good life.
© VXA 2010

THE LOONEY BIN

When my second husband told me he was leaving me, for another woman it was the worst shock of my life.
I was completely happy in my marriage, I thought he  was too. There was no indication that he had even been seeing anyone else. He was home on weekends and he came straight home after work.
He and I laughed, talked, made love and seemed to be getting along as wonderfully as we always had in our 30 years of wedlock.
He was my best friend. We met in high school and I briefly married someone else who was killed after we had been married less than a year. I was pregnant and when my son was born. Irv was there in the hospital with me. He took over the role of husband to me and father to my new baby.
I was mostly a stay at home mom, however I did work outside the home whenever I wanted to. I did mostly volunteer work or my art work .It was never a necessity financially for me to have a paying job as Irv earned a good salary as a Civil Engineer and we had everything we wanted or needed.
We had another son four years after my first son was born and we were a very close family. Our holidays were wonderful. We were like a Norman Rockwell painting with Irv at the head of the table carving the turkey.
Irv and I had a great rapport. We were both witty and would keep each other laughing most of the time. We talked till the wee hours of the night right up until the end of our days together. We would listen to music and dance and hold hands. I trusted him completely. There was nothing I wouldn’t have done for him if he had asked me. My world revolved around him and our family. I, never in my wildest dreams, ever thought he would leave me. I had envisioned us getting old together and I always hoped I would die first because I never wanted to be without him.
When he first told me he had found someone else I was dumbfounded. I thought it was a joke but I could see by the look on his face that he was serious. He told me he still loved me but that she needed him more than I did and he hated to leave but he had no choice.
Instantly everything in my life was turned upside down.
Was everything that I believed to be real not true? I was shaken to the core. I found out he had been sneaking out of work during the day and seeing the “other woman” during working hours.
He had been leaving her bed and coming home to our’s. He had been able to pull off this charade for over a year and I was clueless.
We had been through so much together over the years. The death’s of our parents, our kid’s illnesses, the hard times and lay-offs, the happy times ,staying up late together to play Santa and Easter Bunny for our boys. The intimate moments when we seemed like the only two people on the planet so much in love it was ecstasy. The fun times we had at the football games and reminiscing about our lives growing up together in Miami. All this was gone…over..never to be the same again. This couldn’t be real..It just couldn’t be. How could he betray me like that?
My sister had had a stroke and was living with us and needed around the clock care.. I was going to college full time and also working at the school part time in the Interior Design Dept. I had gotten my Real Estate license but had never sold anything.I had no income of my own except the little I was earning at the college, not enough to live on, and although the kids were grown they still relied on us from time to time for financial assistance.
I was so totally overwhelmed by the news that he was leaving that my world fell apart.
I couldn’t function. I couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t know how I could go on living.
I was just shaking uncontrollably.
I drove my self to the hospital because I was hoping they could give me something to ease the pain that reached into my soul. The hospital “Baker Acted” me. That is where they keep you for observation for a few days if they think you might harm yourself. I never wanted to harm myself or anyone else. I just wanted my life back like it was.
I was put in the mental ward with bars on the windows and treated with very little dignity. I, a grandmother, who was volunteering at the Opera Guild Show house just the week before and maintaining a 4.0 average in college and caring for a sick sister, was locked up with a bunch of crazy people and being treated as though I were one of them.
That was the worst situation I have ever been in. I was having a normal reaction to my life and family being destroyed and was being treated like I was a few bales short of a load.
My husband on the other hand made a great showing of being concerned about me and he was treated very politely by the staff as he exchanged knowing glances with them regarding the pitiful patient, me. He was acting though he were on my side and not the sole cause of my being in there in the first place. But, I knew it was all for the benefit of the onlookers.
When people lose their homes and loved ones to floods or accidents or fires, everyone rushes to help and they are offered grief counseling. They are not locked up in a mental ward for displaying normal human reactions to the loss they have suffered. Since when is it ok to punish the victim like that? I just wanted comforting and to be assured that everything would be alright.
I realized I only had one option open to me and that was to move ahead and not look back. If I were to dwell on the negative I would be lost. I had to make a new life for myself, one day at a time. I had to be my own best friend and never rely on anyone else ever again.
I have succeeded fairly well in doing that, although in the beginning I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to make that statement. I have made a nice life for myself. There are still times when things happen that sadden me like the unexpected death of my beloved Walter, the man who became my third husband, who fell off a roof at work. I am grateful for the time I had with him but I know I must continue to live and try to enjoy my life without him. I never thought I could love another man after Irv left, but Walter proved me wrong. I don’t know if I will find romance again and I am not concerned about whether I do or not. I am self sufficient, happy and comfortable.
It would be nice for abandoned women to have a network of other women who have been through traumatic life changing events like this to listen to them and share their experience, strength and hope. If there had been such a system in place, in my moment of despair, I’m sure I wouldn’t have wound up in the looney bin.©
VXA